A sharp reminder

So lots of thoughts lately. I'm going to try not to use the word "feel" however in these thoughts, because Dr. Shaw said something the other day that makes sense, even if it sucks for me. I was telling her how I "felt" about the way things were going and one of my performances, and she said to me, "look, I'm going to share with you what one of my mentors shared with me. I told him how I felt and he looked at me and said, 'Karen, nobody cares how you feel, they care how you play. How did you play?' " hmmm. unfortunately that is so true. You can feel awful about a performance and people will rave about it, and you can feel amazing about a performance and no one will seem to notice it was good. the cold hard fact is, How did you actually play? so hard to judge. Moving on. So in Masterclass the other day, a super cute little sophomore girl played the Mendelssohn Concerto in Gm. Amazing. I've played the first mvt. before, but when she got to the 3rd mvt. I about hit the floor. it was inspiring. The fastest little fingers I have seen in I don't know how long. It was SO fast and so clean, its the kind of playing I've always dreamed of doing. The other thing I've been thinking about is one of my friends from high school. Her and her husband have a very successful photography business together. Its everything I think I want. Erin and Jeff spend everyday together, doing something they love doing, and at the end of the day, no one is there telling them that it isn't good enough, and that they should spend more time developing skills they should have had 10 years ago. I miss my husband. I see him usually only for the 2 hours before we go to bed everynight. So what I'm getting at is, is a Doctorate program worth it? Do I want to practice for the rest of my life only for people to constantly remind me that I'm not as I should be at my age? so many questions. I think I already know some of the answers, but writing it down seems to help sort things out. This one is getting long. But I don't think i used the word "feel". Success.